Finding Happiness

Our house on Chapel Street in Brightmoor was directly
behind the maple tree (now a vacant lot)

Memories flowed in my head after I read one of Tyler Perry's message, I Used To Be Afraid To Open My Kitchen Cabinets. I remembered being afraid to open any drawers in the house in fear of surprising the baby mice nestling in their nests. We had to pound on the walls because the sound of the mice inside the walls kept us up all night as we laid in beds with smelly stains of urine and feces from our mom’s untrained four dogs, in our one-bedroom Detroit HUD home that housed six people. The memories of blocking our faces with our arms as we walked by our step-father in fear of being hit, was a normal reaction that finally ended when he died November 1979. However, the pain continues even today as we try to live life as normal adults and hide what is really happening inside our heads. As we look at little girls playing and laughing, we cannot imagine calling them (on a daily basis) whores, cocksuckers, ugly, fat, stupid, and other horrible things. I wonder how life would have turned out if our mother had chosen us and not him. I ask myself why did our parents keep us locked up in a bedroom with a bucket to pee in, with the window nailed shut so we could not open it.       

Before our mother passed away last August, I continuously discouraged my siblings from talking to her about our past. I did not think anything would ever be resolved from it, nor did I think it would even matter at this point. Unfortunately, protecting my aging mother prevented my siblings' closure that they desperately needed to heal. That I too, desperately needed. Now it is too late and we must try to make sense of the madness and move forward.

Today, as I try to move forward, I am finding it more difficult to deal with people who are disrespectful or mean toward me. This includes professionally and personally. For example, I work for a woman who tries to find fault in everything that I do and does not even appreciate what I have to offer her. She actually asked me if "it was a culture difference, had I ever been around black people before?" or, "are you always so nervous or is that just part of your nature?" Little does she know anything about me, or even care to. People fear her. They told me that she strives in chaos and they constantly work around her mood. I am not afraid of her and already talked to her five times about respect. Although I disapprove the way she treats me (her last employee took a demotion just to get away from her), I feel sad that such a beautiful, smart woman finds it necessary to be this way and little does she know how people really feel about her. I started to doubt myself (as others did before me) and now that I had a moment to step outside of the constant fire, I know it is just another a bad situation and it is not me. Because, the 100% positive feedback from all of my past managers trumps her no-patience behavior and rude comments. 

So where does finding happiness fits in?  It is obviously not in my current work situation, nor is it with a close friend's recent decision that (little does she know) ultimately offended me. It is knowing that finding happiness changes as we get older. Growing up in a tortured environment gives little room to find happiness. We utilized our time in the bedroom to use our imagination, especially when we discovered the door to the attic in our closet. Our secret little play-land, escape from reality. As a child, I dreamed of being an actress, a race car driver, living in New York City with my twin sister in a loft. I had many dreams and yet no directions on how to get there. College was not in our vocabulary. Heck, nothing but surviving day-to-day was our only hope back then. I feel blessed that the four of us managed to barely escape being another statistic in the City.      

I started Fitness Motivators almost 25 years ago, to help as many women as possible with their fitness goals. I guess you can say this is where I find my happiness. Knowing that I can make a difference in someone else's life. I work hard in making each class that I teach entertaining and fun. Sometimes I think of teaching as an alternative to my earlier dream of being an actress. Seeing the results in so many clients make all the hard work and efforts worthwhile.

Today, I no longer worry about proving myself to anyone. I have no desire to climb the corporate ladder. I appreciate things differently. Having a 23.5" waist is no longer an obsession. Being healthy in this stage of my life is what is important. My family is priority and making sure each day is fulfilled in doing things that I want to do, not what I am forced to do or being unhappy. Life is now simplified.

I know this blog is long and I appreciate you reading it. Until next time, be happy and know that the way we think changes, as we get older. I will be 52 in two days and will continue to get rid of the demons in my head and live in the moment. 

Namaste. 

Donna